Tuesday, August 29, 2006

This "Melancholy" Thing

Yesterday afternoon and evening, there was this cloud of melancholy hanging over me. At first I could not figure out what was wrong with me. Jim took me out to dinner, (I had the best salad I have ever had. We went to TGIFridays and I had their pecan crusted chicken salad with cilantro lime dressing. The best ever). That didnt lift "the cloud" that was hanging over me. I just felt blah all night. I read the Bible, I prayed, I watched some TV, but the cloud stayed with me. When we went to bed, Jim and I were talking and then I realized what it was. I went to a funeral for a friend that was held at the church that Gil and I went to. I realized from the time I walked in that church until I left, I saw Gil. I saw him singing, I saw him playing with the babies and rocking them in the nursery, I saw him having coffee and laughing and talking with the people in the narthex, I heard his deep bass voice. There were tears at the funeral and of course I thought it was for the family. But I realize now those tears were for me as much as they were for them. It has been 4 years 5 months and 27 days since Gil passed away. I can see him in my minds eye and hear his voice in my ears like it was yesterday. Even as I write this the tears well up in my eyes. I guess living with a good and caring man for 36 years of your life is something that can never be forgotten. Part of me is VERY happy about that, and part is not so happy, as it brings times like yesterday and today when the pain of loosing him feels so fresh and raw and the questions of why, why why, surface agin.

I am so thankful that I am now married to a man that understands these emotions that I go through. That they are in no way an indication of any less love for him and that he contines to be supportive of and love me. Thank you Jim.

In a day or 2 I know that these feelings will grow less intense and life will go on until that next trigger, and again, I will sense, see and hear Gil again in my mind, and the feelings of loss will hit again. I will embrace them, go with them, and thank God that he let me be Gil's wife for 36 years, and then again pickup life and go on. Knowing that one day all of us who have accepted Christ for our salvation will be reunited. PTL

Peace and blessings

Friday, August 25, 2006

Choose you this day who you will serve

This morning as I sit at my computer putting down thoughts for me ,and really for the world to see as they are here on the web, I could find things that would make me say "Forget it". Forget being a good wife, forget trying to be a good mother to adult children, forget being a loving step-mom, forget being a good grandma, forget being be a loyal employee, forget being mindful of others and thier cares and losses, and the one that would be the worst of all, forget following the path God has set for me.

BUT - - - - - - - - - - - - TODAY - I choose to follow Christ.

In doing that, I put to death the old man that screams for satisfaction of the old man and all his desires (jealousy, selfishness, self pity, crassness, a sharp tongue, stroked ego, glutony, and the list could go on and on).

Instead I put on the armor of God. Eph 6: 10-12 10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

The armor: Belt of truth - To me this is taking captive my thoughts and take only into my mind what is truth, not what I surmise or think might be the truth, or the what ifs... Only the truth of any situation.

Breastplate of Righteousness: To me this is praying and asking God to cover you with his blood that is the only thing that can ward of the attacks of satan.

Shoes of peace: To me this means that I will not stir up strife, instead, I will through prayer and reading of the Bible attempt to bring peace where my feet tread.

Shield of faith: This one is hard, because it require no physical action on my part but to believe that God is for me and that he sent his son to bring me victory and I do have victory through Jesus Christ It should be the easiest, but it is hard for me to take my thoughts captive and just trust.

Helmet of Salvation and Sword of the Spirit: The word of God. To stay in it, to make it a priority to read God's word and ask him to open the scriture to me and to believe that even if I am not getting great manifestations, I am being immersed in the word and it is being planted and taking root.

And verse 18 of Eph 6 tells us to " pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints. "

Notice how it says to keep praying for all the saints. It doesnt say keep praying for yourself, which I know we need to ask God to help us, but it is in the caring of others, that many many times, we find what we need for ourselves.

Last night Jim and I spent the night with the 60+ group from our church called Second Wind. I like that name for a couple of reasons. It implies that even at our age we are not done, that we have something yet to give to the body of Christ, also it reminds me of the Holy Spirt as when it first arrived it arrived as a wind. Anyway, I digress, we have attened this small church for a little over a year and have met many of these people and exchanged pleasantries in the entry, but last night as we gathered we took time to share a little about ourselves. These people that I saw as pure and wonderful saints (which they indeed are) some of them came from rough tough back grounds. What a testemony to God's wonderful saving power as he transformed these lives into saints they are today. My heart was so encouraged. God IS and he IS powerful and able to do far more then I could think or ask. I am so grateful that He in his mercy called me and gave me the grace to accept that great and wonderful gift of salvation.

So today, I choose to follow Christ. I will give him praise at the good, I will intercede for those that are down trodden, I will call on his name in the time of temptation, and I will to the best of my ability share Christ and his love where I go.

Blessings to all who share this blog with me


Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Learning to lean on God

I ask myself often, why it seems so hard to trust God. He has been so faithful so very many times and yet I find myself asking "Do you really hear me God?"

Yesterday I heard from God in my spirit at a very strange place. I was on my way home from work. I had to stop at the bank and then I had to go to the grocery store. I was thinking about my daughter and the hardships that she has had to face (how I admire that woman) and financial struggles that she has and was asking God why he wasnt hearing my prayers and making her financially stable, not rich, just stable and God spoke to my spirit and said "She has far more wealth then most people in this world. She has ME (God) and I am holding her in the palm of My hand inspite of what it looks like on the outside, and she has riches stored up for her in heaven that you cannot imagine". It brought tears to my eyes, right there in Target and I realized that God sees things in a much greater spectrum then I ever can. Will I continue to pray for better days for her on this earth? Yes I will. Will she ever feel financially comfortable? I dont know, but this one thing I know, God has given me the assurance that my daughter is wealthy beyond my wildest imagination and she is being held in His hand. What more could a mother want?

Deuteronomy 31:6 (New International Version)

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them(enimies), for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

Blessings to all

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Lord Help Me

Lord help me to remember

"If God is for me, who can be against me"

I need your help God.

If you read my blog,,, please pray for me!!



Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Time on my hands

I am at work, but not working. Not because I dont want to work, but because I dont have anything to do. So I am going to take a few minutes here and just put down some thoughts.

Jim and I have been trying to decide what we are going to do for a little vacation this year. My knee replacement kinda blew our summer. I am hoping that next year, this knee will be wholly mine, not swelling and stiff and giving me no pain. Anyway, we have kinda decided in October when Jim has off 4 days, we will use those 4 days and the weekend to get away. We wont be going far, into Iowa I think and then maybe over to see my daughter and family as she tells me she wont be back to Minnesota until Christmas. I am looking forward to that.

This week has been a quiet week. Just going to work and coming home and doing the mundane, making dinner cleaning up after dinner, doing PT and watching some TV and then bed. Sometimes mundane is good. I have enjoyed this week. Is that a sign of getting old that mundane becomes good. Maybe it is just that I still dont have all my umph back after the surgery. Every once in a while there is a few minutes of it and I think,, ah huh,, this is it,, but then it is gone and all that I did in that short time leaves me feeling tired not just for a few minutes but into the next day. I pray that God will restore my energy as well as complete use of my knee.

This week has been hard in some ways tho. So much news of disease and death. A freind of mine lost his wife the first of August. She became sick June 30th and passed away Aug 1st from auto immune hepititis. Another friend has been battling lung cancer and now is in hospice. My brother in law has been having pain in his legs, and this after he has battled bladder cancer, and now he is going in for a bone scan to see if there is bone cancer. Is there just so much more sickness and disease in the world, or is it that I am getting older and therefore hear of it more?

It can all be so discouraging. But this one thing I know, God is for me and if God is for me then who can be against me. I go to Him daily and ask for strength and guidance as I live this life I have been given.

Blessings to all


Friday, August 11, 2006

Back to work

Well it has been 7 weeks since my knee replacement and I am back to work full time. I am walking most of the time without my cane now. I take it with me mostly because it is like a security blanket. I am awaiting my vim and vigor to return. Last night I had a little burst of it but it didnt last but 30 or 45 minutes. But I have faith that it will return.

Today the administrative assistant and I were the only ones at work after 11 AM. One of the guys told Sue that she could leave anytime she wanted to. So at 1:30 we packed up and shipped out. I had to stop at the bank of course (still doing that from the fiasco we had while I was gone) and I got home about 2:15. Havent done much since I got here. Put my feet up for a bit and then decided I would blog.

I want to see a couple of movies. Maybe Jim and I will go to one this weekend. I need to do some shopping too. Last week before Tonja went home she and Kim rearranged the living room for me. I think it seems more welcoming now. Anyway, it leaves a big wall above the couch empty and very bare looking. We went to HOM furniture and looked for lamps. Because the company that was making the chair that we ordered screwed up twince they had given us store credit. So we got a floor lamp and a table lamp and a sofa picture. Now that needs something to go with it, and I kid you not, I am the worst decorator. I do need someone with a creative eye to go shopping with me. Tonja also informed me that the little window topper that I put on top of the bay window when I had it put in was just to be a temporary thing and it has been there 3 years. That is temporary, isnt it??? (^_^) So I need to consider something for that too. I wish I had a decorators mind, but I sure as hootin do not.

Being married to Jim has made me more interested in sports. I always thought the Twins were OK, but man I find myself really pulling for them. With the Detroit Tigers (Jims passion) leading our division that could get to be a point of contention in our house. Even tho I like the Twins, I am not as passionate about them as I am about the Vikings. I am so excited to be hearing things about the team on the sports new. It will be an interesting year with all new coaches and many new players. Its a toss up as to what to expect. Time will soon tell.

Well I guess I am done rattling for today. Hey to all of you who read!! Feel free to post your reactions!!


Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Being Surprised

Saturday was a fun day for me. Well the whole weekend was. My daughter from Wisconsin came to town on Friday night. I just dont get to see them enough. She told me she was coming here to allow her 2 teenage daughters who have summer birthdays to celebrate them here by going to Valleyfair and to the Mall of America. I thought that was a great idea. Well Sat was suppose to be MOA day. They were very slow at getting out of the house and then Jim told me he wanted to take me out to lunch. So we went to pick up a birthday gift for my oldest grand daughter and they didnt have what I wanted so we had lunch and then I wanted to go to this other store. Well, on the way home Jim didnt turn where he was suppose to turn and I asked him where in the world he was going. He smiled and said, "Just be quiet and let me drive for once" (Like I tell him how and where to drive often!!!!!) Then he turned on to this small street and I asked him if he had alzhimers cuz I had no idea where we were going. Then he pulled into this park. I figured he had lost it. Then I looked at the people in the park and recognized my daughter and and brother in law and then it hit me "A Surprise 60th Birthday Party for - - ME" Because my birthday isnt until the end of the month, I really was surprised. I was thinking they might do something like that, but I didnt think they would do it early.

It was fun I have to admit. Several of my friends and lots of family were there and it was so good to see them all and have cake and lemonade with them.

They say, you can tell if you are really young or getting old as that is when people throw birthday parties for you. This is the first one I have had in years, and since I am over 16 I guess I must be entering the old stage of my life - - CRUD!!!!! But,,, hey it is good to celebrate them!!

Sunday we did have a family birthday party for Issa and Emma, and then yesterday they went to Valleyfair. They had a beautiful day to be there and they had lots of fun. Issa came down with a cold and laryangitis (spelling) but she told me she still had a great time.

One sad thing happened at my party, my little grand daughter Abbe fell of some playground equipment and she broke her wrist. I hurt so bad from head to toe. She told me that we should have had my party at Chuckie Cheese (a pizza place) then she would not have broken her arm. I agreed. The doc says that it will heal in about 3 weeks. I hope that is true and that she will be ready for school. Imagine that, the beginning of school is right around the corner. Where did summer go?

Thank you everyone who reads this blog and who came to help me celebrate. I love you all


I certainly dont feel like I am 60 (well in my head, with recouping from this knee from time to time I feel old. I do hope that passes soon).