This "Melancholy" Thing

Yesterday afternoon and evening, there was this cloud of melancholy hanging over me. At first I could not figure out what was wrong with me. Jim took me out to dinner, (I had the best salad I have ever had. We went to TGIFridays and I had their pecan crusted chicken salad with cilantro lime dressing. The best ever). That didnt lift "the cloud" that was hanging over me. I just felt blah all night. I read the Bible, I prayed, I watched some TV, but the cloud stayed with me. When we went to bed, Jim and I were talking and then I realized what it was. I went to a funeral for a friend that was held at the church that Gil and I went to. I realized from the time I walked in that church until I left, I saw Gil. I saw him singing, I saw him playing with the babies and rocking them in the nursery, I saw him having coffee and laughing and talking with the people in the narthex, I heard his deep bass voice. There were tears at the funeral and of course I thought it was for the family. But I realize now those tears were for me as much as they were for them. It has been 4 years 5 months and 27 days since Gil passed away. I can see him in my minds eye and hear his voice in my ears like it was yesterday. Even as I write this the tears well up in my eyes. I guess living with a good and caring man for 36 years of your life is something that can never be forgotten. Part of me is VERY happy about that, and part is not so happy, as it brings times like yesterday and today when the pain of loosing him feels so fresh and raw and the questions of why, why why, surface agin.

I am so thankful that I am now married to a man that understands these emotions that I go through. That they are in no way an indication of any less love for him and that he contines to be supportive of and love me. Thank you Jim.

In a day or 2 I know that these feelings will grow less intense and life will go on until that next trigger, and again, I will sense, see and hear Gil again in my mind, and the feelings of loss will hit again. I will embrace them, go with them, and thank God that he let me be Gil's wife for 36 years, and then again pickup life and go on. Knowing that one day all of us who have accepted Christ for our salvation will be reunited. PTL

Peace and blessings